As many of you already know, I have resigned my position due to health concerns as of May 10. I know it’s the right thing, the only thing, I must do to get healthy again.
But I am leaving behind the women I love, the leaders I trust and admire, the opportunities to plan.
I’m so sad about all those things.
Last weekend, we held a conference at OBC – Kathy Troccoli was our speaker. She sang and spoke life and truth into me, and I’m confident into many of the others who were there.
I had to leave early – health concerns.
But God spoke to me so clearly, I could almost hear his voice in my head, whispering in my ear, the truth. Lots of truth.
And this, I wrote in my journal, Saturday night:
“Last conference. My grief. My disappointment about having to leave early. Your gentle reminder that you DO NOT NEED ME to accomplish your purposes! Thank you.
Lord teach me to be
Like you are with me, even as you are giving me an “adjustment.” I recognized the truth of your words before I remembered that you said EXACTLY those words. EXACTLY. In Isaiah 55.
You don’t need me, but I need you, desperately.
I have choices about how to approach this next chapter – standing face turned up, arms lifted high, spread out wide stance – standing still waiting joyfully on your will. Not lagging behind when You speak, but not running ahead of your voice. Hearing is such a delicate thing and my head must be turned toward the thing I want to hear the most. And I can’t be expecting to hear you when I’m too far ahead OR behind.
Spread-wide, reaching arms to receive from you.
Spread-wide, solid stance so I don’t topple over in the wind, in the storm, in the driving rain sleet hail snow.
Firmly planted. Psalm 1. Not tossed about.
Because otherwise I only hear the storm, my hands are grabbing all around for some sort of safety net, and my knees are buckling.
Jesus I need you.
I want you. To be the Lord of my life, my self, my circumstances.
I want to stop grabbing at the wrong things, turning my head the wrong way, holding on to that which I should let go, standing weak instead of strong.
Such a picture in my head right now!
But. BUT I can only stand strong by standing weak in your presence – because when I am weak, you are strong! AMEN!
There is no contradiction here – I can stand strong briefly on my own, but I can stand weak forever in YOUR strength.
Am I inclined toward you or something else? I must choose. If/then. If I incline toward you, THEN. Only then can YOU lead me to where you want me.
On my knees, on my face, standing wide face turned up – I can’t be knocked over bowled over blown over easily in ANY of those positions.
And attitude matters. MENTAL STANCE.
Offensive? Defensive? Both can be good or bad.
A good offense = the Sword of truth. A good defense = the armor of God. The Word. The Holy Spirit. The truth. When it edifies.
But when being on the offensive offends for the wrong reasons, or being defensive means defending the wrong things, well, neither is good. Let God call the game. Let Him determine whether and when I’m on offense or defense, so that I am not offensive, or defensive. Lord teach me to wield your truth alone as my sword, and to do it in a way that comes only from You teaching me.
I want to be that sweet aroma, that open shining countenance that draws people to you. I have this image of myself bound and all closed off all closed up, angry frustrated bitter small, and nothing about THAT stance opens the way for me to hear from you, OR for anyone to be drawn to You in me. Lord give me the courage and determination to open myself up to you completely.
Because you are:
I can be:
Lord I am all these things tonight, because you are all those things yesterday today and forever.”
I will truly miss posting on this blog – I love the writing. It has always been from my heart, the things God has shown me and taught me, and I will truly miss it. But God. He has plans for me. He is my Hope, and I am trusting Him to guide me through whatever comes next.
Thanks to all who have read these ramblings – I will continue writing because I am compelled to write. Of the grace and mercy and strength and power of the God who loves me furiously and gracefully. May I never forget.